I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
