My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
as a side note pls kill me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
