life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
