My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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