roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
