Everything about him screamed your future.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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