obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize