i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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