My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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