i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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