Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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