his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
