Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
