you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
