maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
