He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
