I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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