i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
