i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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