If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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