Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
