Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
