i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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