We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
