I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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