I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
