I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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