You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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