he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize