I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
