i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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