I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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