just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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