I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
