Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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