Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
