Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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