I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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