Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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