Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
