soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He better not be in your backpack
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
