Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
