So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
