i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
