Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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