hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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