I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
