What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
