ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We're too hungover to prance.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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