here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
