cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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