she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
