Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
