So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
