If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
