i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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