The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
