My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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