There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
