I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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