He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
