I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
